on being afraid.
I am a person who is pretty much afraid of everything. Public speaking, doctors, dentists, bees, social situations, the movie The Strangers, flying, leaving the apartment—there are a lot of anxieties. But one thing I realized during a 5 a.m. shuttle ride to my airport gate in Nairobi was that traveling to Africa by myself should have been something normal to feel anxious about. Instead, I was so used to being afraid of everything that this didn’t feel much bigger than all the other things.
On a trip with a medical outreach team in 2023, intended to be 7 days long, an opportunity to stay on campus for a few extra weeks came up. It may have been a moment of insanity, but at 6 a.m. on the last morning in Migori before safari, my brain was brave enough to say yes.
I think I was so excited about the adventure and the purpose — working longer with some incredible kiddos and painting murals in two classrooms — that saying yes didn’t seem enormously scary.
Leaving the team at the end of the safari was tough. But once I arrived on campus and got to be around all the amazing kids, staying felt easy. What started as a few extra weeks turned into five, and then, just a month later, I signed on to come back again. Now, several years later, traveling to Kenya and staying for months at a time has become part of my life.
Yet, in the few days leading up to each trip, I still have to remind myself: this is an adventure most “normal” people would be excited about.
Growing up, no matter where my family traveled, I’d think, “I could live here,” and always hated leaving everywhere. I was CONVINCED that I would love the cold dark winters in Alaska, or that I should change colleges and move to Charleston.
Goodbyes at the airport are tough, and figuring out how to pack everything I want to bring with me is tougher. But once I take off on that first flight from Huntsville, my anxiety melts away. After arriving at the hotel, and especially once I’m on campus, it feels like I can breathe again. Like the world is wide open and free. Then of course, the reverse is also true - I’m never ready to leave my home and friends here to leave for the US.
This trip, I spent as much of my “Nairobi Rest Day” as I could outside, perched on the roof of the hotel, watching birds circle over Nairobi National Park. There, I had a conversation with someone and we were talking about how I was getting ready to fly to the area of Kenya near Lake Victoria the next day, and she asked, “How are you not scared to be here traveling alone?” It made me reflect on how fear operates in my life.
There’s a quote from a book I read back in 2014 that was something to the effect of: “Fear is something you feel when you have a choice. When you don’t have a choice, you just do what has to be done.” I’ve thought about this idea a lot. I was so scared to walk across the stage at my college graduation—right up until the moment I stepped onto the stage. At that point, there was no turning back. There was only doing what had to be done: walking to get my diploma and getting off the stage.
I think that’s why my anxiety disappears once I board the first flight to Kenya. At that point, there’s no changing my mind, no stressing over whether I’ve remembered everything. There’s only doing what has to be done to get to campus and see my incredible kiddos. And when I arrived this time, they were waiting and singing. Some didn’t even realize I was coming, and seeing the joy on their faces is something I will never forget.
How This Journey Changed My Art
This experience has not only shaped my life but also profoundly influenced my art and introspection. Working with these children, who demonstrate resilience and joy despite their challenges, has added a new depth to my creative expression. Their stories, their laughter, and their courage inspire new themes in my work — themes of connection, growth, and the beauty of shared humanity.
Especially seen in my Galaxy pieces, there is the idea that we are all such small beings in a much larger universe. It helps me re-focus that things that happen at home that used to feel like big deals are maybe not so important.
Facing my fears to embark on this journey has also led to a shift in some of my work as I explore these astrological abstractions. Bold colors and textures that I’ve started using reflect a confidence I didn’t know I had.
Courage as a Companion to Fear
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s moving forward in spite of it.
To anyone reading this, I hope my story encourages you to embrace your fears. Let them remind you of your humanity, but don’t let them hold you back. Whatever your version of moving around the world and traveling alone for the first time might be, say yes to it. You’ll be amazed at what you’re capable of when you do :)
